For those of you not in the know, there has been one hella racket going down on several Fat Activist/Fat Acceptance boards of late. Check out The Rotund I, The Rotund II, and Kate Harding, just for kicks.

I hereby do acknowledge this is a ranty, angry, and incoherent post. Still trying to figure things out for myself, and I feel rather adrift right now… must be hormones.

It seems that, because of my diet, I am considered by some to not be a part of the FA movement. Due to my decision to restrict my caloric intake, I have kicked myself out of the club. I will out and out say now, that I am not speaking of those who made the original posts about this topic – they are hardliners, but at least they don’t see me as an “enemy” because I diet (this is actually written in one of the comments at The Rotund, I shit you not. I do acknowledge now that this is one of the less moderate comments I’ve seen there, but still… wow).

Do I do a disservice to fat people because I have been so public about my decision to lose weight, as has been intimated in the comments? I don’t think so. As I have stated in a previous post, I believe that anyone has the right to do what they wish with their bodies. I explicitly state that I believe that being fat does NOT mean you are unhealthy. Au contraire, health and fat have absolutely nothing to do with each other, in my mind.

So why the fuck do I diet?

I am doing this because I want to have a child. All right, there you go… I am doing this for reasons that are beyond selfish, beyond societal norms, beyond weight. I am doing this for the “us” in my life. And I am none too pleased that I had to bow down to the pressure that was/is put upon me to do by some asshole in a white coat.

Y’see, the medical establishment that is available where I live firmly believes that it would be “unethical” to treat my infertility unless I drop pounds. And in a screaming fit of rage and ire (and buckets of tears), I agreed to do it, to PROVE (to someone) that weight is not my problem!! I’m fucking infertile, you bastards, not a case study in obesity’s effect on fertility in women.

So yeah… I am losing weight. And I am working my groove thang to try and get pregnant (euphemisms rock). But guess what? Despite losing over 10% of my body mass, I am still not dewy-eyed and puking. So who is right and who is wrong now, stupid medical establishment that thinks all things revolve around my waist-to-hip ratio?

So, what’s the point of this post? I really don’t know. It’s my verbal expression of a mix of emotions that comes with the fat territory I inhabit right now. That, plus the facts that I am burned out, stressed out, and just want to eat some fuckin’ real food (soon, soon, my prrrrreeeeesssscious).

If you want to lose weight, know that you are entering a no-(wo)man’s land where

  1. You will most likely not succeed in keeping off the weight unless you plan on quitting your job and focus solely on exercise and the food you eat (I do believe this)
  2. You will be supported by a few very faithful friends who loved you for you, and not for your waist circumference, or your overwhelming desire for pasta.
  3. You will find thin people will be encouraging, telling you that you look awesome now (did I look like a dog’s breakfast before?? Holy crap…)
  4. You will find some people will still ignore you because of what you once were.

So my assvice, for what it’s worth (which is nothing, really): Don’t diet, because you are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don’t. Accept your lot in life, be who you have become, and learn to live with it. Right now, it feels like it’s not worth the pain and energy it takes to affect the change you think you want to see. In the end, it causes more grief than I would care to explain.

Next life, I want to be a monarch butterfly. With my luck, I’ll probably have green wings instead of orange, and I’ll be an outcast there too. :p

3 Responses

  1. FWIW, I’m a hard-line anti-dieter and I still think this is really an edge case. What TR said, about how right now you are putting something else that is antithetical to size activism ahead of size activism, makes sense… but I also really see you as a victim here. I don’t mean that to be loaded… just that you’re not dieting out of choice. Then again, none of us really diet out of choice; we all diet out of pressure, sometimes pressure that’s so pervasive that we don’t notice it. Eh, I don’t know what I’m saying really, just that I don’t think you need to worry that there’s no place for you.

  2. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this; i have a friend who dealt with infertility for years, and it was heartbreaking to watch – so i’m sure i can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to actually be in that position.

    Honestly? I think that given your circumstances, anyone who comes down on you for dieting is just a putz. A heartless putz at that. You’re between a rock and a hard place, and trying to do the best you can with what you’ve got.

  3. Thank you both for your replies to my horribly incoherent post. I usually know better than to swear so much in my writing, but sometimes it just feels good to get it out there. *grins*

    I think that part of what is bothering me right now is this: if I succeed in conforming to protocol, and if I do have a child, what will be his or her future? I mean, there is a definite genetic component to my body composition; this would say to me that there is a 50/50 shot that my child(ren) will have the same experience – or worse – than I did growing up. This is why I wanted to be more informed and involved in the HAES movement; I wanted to give the future a fighting chance.

    And if DH and I don’t succeed, and choose to try the adoption route… there seems to be so many possible hurdles, and with recent precedents of denying parental rights to fat people, do I really want to put myself out there and get shot down?

    I can’t really say more than I already have on this subject, except that I will continue to pursue my own dreams *and* remain staunchly protective of people’s right to self-determinism. And I do appreciate everything everyone in the community does every day to fight for equality. Perhaps one day the pendulum will swing more towards a middle ground, and everyone can just get along.

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